Donut Face

I got a box of donuts and pastries the other day.  Face thought they smelled really good.

 "I'm so nice, you want to give me some..."

Fear and Clarity

Life with kids is hard some days.  Any parent or person taking care of kids can tell you that, and it's obvious even without anyone telling you.

When I am fatigued in a certain way, I may or may not be all that physically tired, but I get psychological symptoms and sometimes I do not recognize it for what it is.  And this fatigue leaves me open to invisible assault, especially when it moves in without my conscious knowledge.

But, I still have to deal with children on these days, and that becomes rough.  The noise and the mess really get to me.  Much as we might pretend otherwise, children are uncontrollable, as it ought to be, really, because they are their own people with their own forces.  I accept fully that control is always an illusion, but it is at times an inescapable illusion, and when my illusion feels utterly shattered (not just non-existent, but shattered), I don't do well.  Though I know control is an illusion and not to be had here, I still desperately want it and am stubborn enough to cling to the idea.  I am not always able to successfully surrender my will, and this causes...issues.  Unreasonable issues, but we are an unreasonable species.

This, for instance...

...was not supposed to be happening.

She had asked me--a large number of times--for some paint, but I was too busy trying to deal with other things that I put her off, so she got it out herself.

It wasn't actually a problem, other than the fact that she was being disobedient in not waiting for me to get it for her.  It's perfectly safe paint and she was using it in a surprisingly reasonable and responsible manner.  And she had been patient with me for a time at least.  And she was being super cute.  And, this is *not at all* up to the standard of mess that I *often* have to deal with.  But the fact of it drove me, momentarily, nuts until I could regain perspective on this particular day.

My weird pregnancy dreams have started, mostly centered on losing my children in some way, which is the most frightening and disturbing thing, ever.  I can only suppose that some of these, at least, are triggered by the stress I feel when I am awake.  Maybe they are supposed to make me understand, but mostly they make me feel more miserable for being short of patience during the noise and mess.

I don't believe anyone who claims to be utterly without fear.  Well, maybe if they are psychotic, or have achieved some sort of sainthood.  Fear is something we use to deal with an imperfect world, though usually we use it in the wrong way, by giving into it or giving it power over us, or even believing that we can somehow tackle it ourselves and become masters over it.  No matter what it may seem, we can't even become masters of our own selves let alone anything else.

We are *meant* to use it to get closer to God.  As with everything in our lives, we are meant to give it to God.  My fears seem very reasonable to me.  But they are not.  My children are not, in fact, my own to cling to always and forever...they are a gift from God, and only He can ensure that I have them always and forever, which is not just this life and my earthly fears are centered here.  So in that way, the only reasonable fear would be to fear God.  However, while it is true that God can defeat any and all earthly ills, he is not merely some knight vanquishing earthly problems.  He is far beyond that.  So, in knowing something of the character of God, it is not reasonable to begin thinking "oh no, God will dangle this over my head to make me obedient", but I come to the realization that I cannot escape this fear and I must turn it towards God because He is the only one who can handle it, absorb it, and all around make it *go away*.  Except, I am human and I irrationally *cling* to my fears and stresses and worries...and desire to control, which is a type of fear.  Fear is a constant presence, and while we cannot ourselves control it, we can help to direct it.

For those moments when clarity comes, I can feel the peace that is always there.

Peep pose

I realized today that Pook looks an awful lot like a Peep, though I've never seen a gray and white Peep.

That is totally his chair and no one else's, though Kitty is welcome during those moments when he gets tired of his Box.

Philosophically Speaking

So I can't keep up with posting art every day, even if I go to putting old stuff up (which I think I will do because I do have a backlog that I never properly shared) and whatnot, but I *do* think it is such a good idea to keep up daily, or at least mostly-daily.  It's good for me and I love to be in contact with people in a way that I cannot otherwise be.

So, I'm going to turn to my other interests to share a bit.  Because, why not, and there are thoughts and ideas I would like to hash out just for my own sake.  And since this is my own blog, I can do whatever I want and you can feel free to ignore me.  :)

One of my interests is philosophy in general, and specific types in particular.  If (ahem, when?) I go back to school, this is what I would like to major in.  Until then, there is much I can gather and ponder on.  I get a little obsessed with my Japanese studies, so being able to semi-publicly share thoughts and ideas might be quite motivating to me.

I will ramble too much and maybe, but hopefully not, I might make someone uncomfortable or even offended.  But these are just my ramblings, so feel free to take them as you will.  I can't stop you anyway.  :p  There are things I obsess about, things I like to think about, and things I do have strong opinions over.  And sometimes I think people are just, well, dumb.  That extends to everyone, and I exclude not myself.

For a while now, I have chosen to limit my online presence, compared to what I used to do.  This is a good idea in many ways...there are lots of weirdos and I just get tired of being misunderstood so often.  I don't intend to go back to all of my old practices, but I do miss sharing with some people and since I get locked into kid interaction so much, and since I do have things I'd like to share in a limited way, and I do like to hear some opinions balanced with my own, this is perhaps the best format for it.

I love the long evenings!

This time change is rough, but oh what lovely times it brings to the evening.  I thought our small stint of snow last week would have killed off our flowers, but apparently not!  My front yard smells glorious!

One year for the spring time change, I was able to do an experiment.  My husband was deployed and I was in Germany and I had zero need to adjust my time.  No one else aside from a toddler was around, even communicating with family didn't make a difference since there was such a big time difference to begin with.  I tried so hard to not adjust my time.  I really did.  No one else was affecting me at all.  I could only make it a month and my internal clock changed on its own.  It was an interesting experiment.

For a Rough Day

You know what...I am having a rough couple of days.

So I'm going to watch this over and over, because this couple is *so cute*.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHIjoK80F2Q

I am in love with the Japanese version of the songs from Frozen...

(Why does the formatting for this post look so weird??  Or is it just me...?

Oil Pastel Fox

My sister-in-law asked me to help her decorate her nursery with some creatures from a vintage poster she inherited from her grandmother. This is the first in the series; I am glad to note that Annie seemed to like it.  :)

This is done in oil pastel, 12x12 on Colourfix.