Monday, March 16, 2015

Fear and Clarity

Life with kids is hard some days.  Any parent or person taking care of kids can tell you that, and it's obvious even without anyone telling you.

When I am fatigued in a certain way, I may or may not be all that physically tired, but I get psychological symptoms and sometimes I do not recognize it for what it is.  And this fatigue leaves me open to invisible assault, especially when it moves in without my conscious knowledge.

But, I still have to deal with children on these days, and that becomes rough.  The noise and the mess really get to me.  Much as we might pretend otherwise, children are uncontrollable, as it ought to be, really, because they are their own people with their own forces.  I accept fully that control is always an illusion, but it is at times an inescapable illusion, and when my illusion feels utterly shattered (not just non-existent, but shattered), I don't do well.  Though I know control is an illusion and not to be had here, I still desperately want it and am stubborn enough to cling to the idea.  I am not always able to successfully surrender my will, and this causes...issues.  Unreasonable issues, but we are an unreasonable species.

This, for instance...
...was not supposed to be happening.

She had asked me--a large number of times--for some paint, but I was too busy trying to deal with other things that I put her off, so she got it out herself.

It wasn't actually a problem, other than the fact that she was being disobedient in not waiting for me to get it for her.  It's perfectly safe paint and she was using it in a surprisingly reasonable and responsible manner.  And she had been patient with me for a time at least.  And she was being super cute.  And, this is *not at all* up to the standard of mess that I *often* have to deal with.  But the fact of it drove me, momentarily, nuts until I could regain perspective on this particular day.

My weird pregnancy dreams have started, mostly centered on losing my children in some way, which is the most frightening and disturbing thing, ever.  I can only suppose that some of these, at least, are triggered by the stress I feel when I am awake.  Maybe they are supposed to make me understand, but mostly they make me feel more miserable for being short of patience during the noise and mess.

I don't believe anyone who claims to be utterly without fear.  Well, maybe if they are psychotic, or have achieved some sort of sainthood.  Fear is something we use to deal with an imperfect world, though usually we use it in the wrong way, by giving into it or giving it power over us, or even believing that we can somehow tackle it ourselves and become masters over it.  No matter what it may seem, we can't even become masters of our own selves let alone anything else.

We are *meant* to use it to get closer to God.  As with everything in our lives, we are meant to give it to God.  My fears seem very reasonable to me.  But they are not.  My children are not, in fact, my own to cling to always and forever...they are a gift from God, and only He can ensure that I have them always and forever, which is not just this life and my earthly fears are centered here.  So in that way, the only reasonable fear would be to fear God.  However, while it is true that God can defeat any and all earthly ills, he is not merely some knight vanquishing earthly problems.  He is far beyond that.  So, in knowing something of the character of God, it is not reasonable to begin thinking "oh no, God will dangle this over my head to make me obedient", but I come to the realization that I cannot escape this fear and I must turn it towards God because He is the only one who can handle it, absorb it, and all around make it *go away*.  Except, I am human and I irrationally *cling* to my fears and stresses and worries...and desire to control, which is a type of fear.  Fear is a constant presence, and while we cannot ourselves control it, we can help to direct it.

For those moments when clarity comes, I can feel the peace that is always there.

1 comment:

Jessica P said...

It's just ego, really, all the fear. Fear is always present but we just have to face it or keep walking despite it. You are doing an amazing job. Being pregnant always makes a lady crazy, anyone who says different is lying, so cut yourself a whole lot of slack. Accept yourself where you are and let it be in each moment.

My stance on kids is to give them reasonable boundaries and enforce those boundaries- they need to feel safe and they will test it- but inside those boundaries they can do whatever the heck they want. I'm not a fan of rules other than what is absolutely necessary.

And some days you just have to give up and eat chocolate ice cream.